Your Funny Valentine Will Love These LOL-Worthy Valentine's Day Quotes (2024)
These funny quotes about love, relationships, and marriage will brighten anyone's day.
By Alesandra Dubin and Corinne Sullivan
If you've ever been in a relationship, then you know that humor is key to making love last. Between the chaos of cohabitation, parenting, and work-day drudgery, it always helps to add some levity to a situation, because laughter is simply the best medicine there is. And with February 14 coming up, there's no better way to make your loved one crack a smile than with some funny Valentine's Day quotes. You don't have to be a standup comedian to infuse your Valentine's Day card with some silliness, and these hilarious quotes about love could be just the thing you need.
Sure, you can always make your Valentine swoon with love poems or romantic Valentine's Day quotes. But if you and your boo prefer a good pun to anything mushy, then these humorous love quotes will be a much better fit for the card or text message you send your funny Valentine on February 14. These Valentine's Day one-liners are also great for sharing in your Valentine's Day Instagram post, as your followers are just as likely to appreciate a good laugh. Read on to enjoy the funniest quotes about marriage and romance, and for more Valentine's Day inspiration, be sure to check out these dinner ideas, dessert recipes, and gift suggestions.
1
Phyllis Diller
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
2
Milton Berle
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired."
3
Helen Rowland
"Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you."
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4
Agatha Christie
"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."
6
Miles Davis
"If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love."
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7
Henny Youngman
"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
8
Leopold Fechtner
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside: made in Taiwan."
9
Jim Gaffigan
"Without Valentine's Day, February would be, well, January."
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10
Melanie White
"Remember, your Valentine's card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you're too lazy to put it in your own words."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
12
Pam and Dwight, 'The Office'
Pam: "Sometimes the gift is really about the gesture ... what it means, instead of what it is."
Dwight: "You mean... like a ham?"
Pam: "No. Not like a ham."
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13
Tom Robbins
"The only bubble in the flat champagne of February is Valentine's Day."
14
Pearl Bailey
"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork."
15
Lily Tomlin
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
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16
Unknown
"If you're alone during Valentine's day, it is priceless for you. Otherwise, you would spend a few hundred [dollars]."
17
George Burns
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there."
18
David Letterman
"Valentine's Day Money-Saving Tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th."
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19
Will Ferrell
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
20
Tom Robbins
"He or she lucky enough to have a lover in frigid, antsy February has cause for celebration, indeed."
Alesandra Dubin
Contributing Writer
Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelor’s degree from UC Berkeley. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins.
Corinne Sullivan
Editor
Corinne Sullivan is an Editor at Cosmopolitan, where she covers a variety of beats, including lifestyle, entertainment, relationships, shopping, and more. She can tell you everything you need to know about the love lives of A-listers, the coziest bedsheets, and the sex toys actually worth your $$$. She is also the author of the 2018 novel Indecent. Follow her on Instagram for cute pics of her pup and bébé.
You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever. I love you more than coffee. Thank you for being mine. You make me feel like the heart-eye emoji.
It's about being present and experiencing joy independently. If I have one tip, it's take the pressure off, step away from the expectations of others and check in with yourself. I will always be open to finding love, but the greatest and most meaningful relationship I will ever have is with myself.
Valentine's catchphrase "Dojyaaa~~n!" literally means "Tada!" in Japanese. The scene during which Funny receives his dead father's handkerchief appears to reference the 1994 film Pulp Fiction. In the movie, a young Butch and his mother are visited by Vietnam veteran Captain Koons, who fought with Butch's father.
Valentine, you take my breath away, every single day. It's just one day in the year, but you should know that I love you every day and every moment. The more time we spend together, the more we fall in love with each other. Happy Valentine's Day!
What is Valentine's Day? St Valentine's Day is an annual festival to celebrate romantic love, friendship and admiration. Every year on 14 February people celebrate this day by sending messages of love and affection to partners, family and friends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
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